NEWBIE PACKET
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Author unknown Part 1: On-line Safety and Phone Safety Part 1: On-line Safety and Phone Safety Keeping yourself safe is a basic step to making BDSM fun. The person who is ultimately responsible for safety is YOU -- we all would like to believe that the person we are considering as a partner wouldn't consider hurting us in any way. Many would like to think that being behind the anonymity of a monitor ensures safety. There are an equal amount of people that still subscribe to the " It Can't Happen To Me " syndrome. It can happen, and it's up to each person to decide on how anonymous, and how safe, they really are. On-line safety. Don't be pressured into giving your phone number out during a discussion. Your phone number reveals many things--- your name and your address are the 2 most obvious. Don't allow yourself to be lulled by being asked to call the other person-- since the inception of caller ID and the "call-back" features, you have basically still given out your phone number. At some point in a relationship, you may well want to give your partner your phone number. This is an exchange of information, not a means of pressure. Please be careful what you say in instant messages. Remember, it does not take much information for a person to find out where you live. The following things could very well give someone enough information to locate you:
Any combination of the aforementioned items can give someone the ability to find you. Even less, if the person has friends on the police force, in the DMV or friends who are computer hackers. Remember, there is much information on all of us on various data bases, and an inventive hacker can gain access to that information with very little to go on. Please be careful - don't trust too easily, there is always time to get more personal when you know the other person better. If a person insists you give them personal information, it may be a sign that he or she has more in mind than an anonymous computer conversation. It is easier than you think, to get to you! Use common sense and courtesy in cyber -- This is a one dimensional medium, and the words you type are seen flatly on the screen. These words can hurt emotionally and be easily misunderstood. Try to make yourself as clear as possible to avoid hurting the person you are talking with and use the ever famous glyphs for smiles if you are saying something that you meant to be teasing : Avoid words and phrases that are degrading or belittling. If it would hurt to hear it, it definitely will hurt to see it flatly printed on the screen. Remember, however, that some things are said in BDSM play that are meant in a different perspective -- a Dominant calling his sub a "slut" is by no means degrading if this is exciting to them both, for instance. If you find a conversation disturbing to you, or leading in a direction that causes you pain, say so! Tell the other person that you are distressed; perhaps something didn't come out on the screen the way they meant it, or perhaps they meant it exactly the way you read it. If that was the case, you have the option of telling them you choose not to participate in the conversation, and using your exclude icon. Above all, we realize the excitement and emotion that's involved in your discovery of BDSM can lead to unthinking acts. Correlate your actions on-line with what you know is a safe action in your real life! Would you give your name, address, and many details of your personal life to a stranger on the street? Would you do that on-line? Would you allow someone to manipulate you to the point you are harmed in real life? Think about it... your mental health and safety is at stake. Phone safety. Giving someone your phone number is a huge risk. Even calling someone else can give away information that can lead to locating you. Having an unlisted phone number does not protect you. Once your number is on a persons phone bill, the phone company is able to give that person your name and address. Caller ID can give a person your full name as well as your phone number, and with those two items, it is very easy to find you. Be protective of personal information. Any one (and one is all that is needed) of these items can be enough to you at risk. Giving out personal information is to open yourself up to someone who may be a stalker, a rapist, or murderer. A cyber relationship is not worth your life, so BE CAREFUL!!! Part 2: Safety When Meeting People You may choose at some point to meet the people you talk to on-line. There are some very basic rules that need to be followed to aid in your safety. Talk to the people you intend to meet-- on-line, on the phone. Get a feeling for the type of person they are by conversations, inflections, things you have in common. Talk to people that you know in common. Don' t feel like you are intruding in their personal life by asking questions. Truthfully, someone may have had a bad experience, and give a bad reference. However, go with your gut feeling from your own conversations and the reputation that prevails. Meet in a public place, where you are seen and recognized by others, if at all possible. You wouldn't go to a hotel room with a perfect stranger any other time, would you? Make sure someone that you trust knows where you are, and who you are meeting. If you are meeting a Dominant or a submissive for the first time, make arrangements for a safe call to a person you trust. A safe call is a phone call to a friend, a relative, whomever you choose, to let them know you are OK. Prearrange a phrase to use to let them know everything is all right. Make the call on time and make sure they know what to do if you don't call. A first meeting may very well simply consist of having coffee and a discussion face to face with the person that has aroused your interest. This is practical for those that have discovered someone that lives within a reasonable distance. However, many that meet on-line find that their potential partner is some distance away, and make plans to explore during their meeting. Give yourself some time to talk publicly if this is the case and get a feel for who your partner is, now that you have actually met. If you have any doubts, beyond a natural nervousness, LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS! Bondage is exciting, but not a good idea the first time you meet with someone. Once you are tied up is not the best time to wonder if your partner can be trusted! If the relationship develops, this and other avenues of BDSM can be explored. Always carry condoms--- the basic piece of equipment to defend against STD's. If your partner refuses to use a condom, he is NOT thinking of your safety, or his! Don't depend on your partner to have a condom with him. These are very basic standards for safety. What you have read is not meant to frighten you away from the excitement of your desires, but to remind you that YOU are important enough to stay safe! A caring partner will encourage you to play safe and will have that in mind when playing, on-line or off line. The goal is to learn, to grow, to satisfy each other, to enjoy the time you spend exploring BDSM. The best way to do that for a long time to come is to do it safely. Part 3: Long Distance Relationships Many of us who meet partners on-line often need to deal with the issues involved in a long-distance relationship. Communication with your partner is essential! Whether you communicate with your partner on the computer, on the phone, by letters, or in person, keeping in touch with how your partner is feeling is crucial in maintaining a relationship! It's easy to assume the other person is dealing with this separation well, and just as easy to conjure up all types of scenarios that will drive you mad. How to deal with this? Find small rituals that you can incorporate into your daily life that reminds you of your partner. Some find that a daily log with notes to their partner helps ease the time apart. Assignments that are a reminder of your connection keeps your relationship as a focus to other parts of your life. Phone calls when possible are a big help. The verbal connection reinforces your commitment and connection. Emails on a routine basis, with even the smallest bits of your life shared, lets you know you are thinking of each others. Some have found that a cassette tape exchange through postal mail can bring the memory of the others voice to mind, with a smile. One thing that many don't like to think about when they are attracted to a partner online is the fact that they are not able to maintain a long distance relationship. The initial attraction is so strong, and the desire for this person so overwhelming, that they do feel that having a long distance relationship is possible when, in fact, such a relationship is more stressful than it is pleasurable. Consider how much time and energy you are willing to put into your relationship. Are you able to communicate your needs and have these needs met by your long-distance partner? Can you be satisfied with seeing your partner only a few times in a years span? Possibly never, if you have a cyber only relationship? Are you able to function in your daily life, maintaining your usual routine? Long distance has its own pleasures and its own pains. It takes a lot of work and trust in your partner, well worth it if this is what you decide upon. It takes a lot of courage to decide that you can't handle this type of relationship. A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle. Some common examples might be: 1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as "Do you want to play?" or "What are you wearing?" or "What do you look like?" or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex. RED FLAG! 2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact. RED FLAG! 3. Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission. RED FLAG! 4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run. 5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong. 6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one. 7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case. 8) Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful. Part 5: Finding the Right Dom or Domme Just a note, you may not get complete detailed answers to all of these questions, but you should be able to get general ideas to most all of them. For example, many Dom/mes may not be willing to tell you if they prefer to use a form or physical punishment vs. a mental one. (i.e. spankings vs. a written apology and no contact with the top until x and such time) or a combination of the two. 1. How long have you been involved in the D/s lifestyle, and what led you to it in the first place? 2. Do you have or plan to have a more than one slave/submissive, on or offline? 3. What sort of relationship are you looking for? Online only, phone, real world, potential marriage/permanent partner? 4. How much time are you willing to devote to training a new sub, and how much of her time would you require in return. Would you have daily contact with your submissive/slave? 5. Do you indulge in these pleasures with women/men in "real life?" If so, what precautions for health and safety are involved? What type of safety precautions do you feel are necessary for an online or phone relationship? 6. What sort of training/education have you had to be the dominant member of this relationship? Have you had experience training a submissive who is new to D/s? What made you decide this was for you? 7. What are your basic philosophies with regard to D/s. 8. What are your rules, contracts, agreements, etc.? What do you require of your slave and of yourself? 9. What sort of structured training do you prefer to use? What sorts of discipline/punishment for infractions? What kinds of tasks do you assign your save to perform for you? 10. What are your deepest desires, pleasures, hopes for this relationship? What, in your opinion, does the Dom receive in return for his time, love and protective care over his sub? 11. Do you have any references available that I might contact? 12. Please read the following file. I would like to discuss with you what level of submissive you feel you are looking for. Though I realize this is not a hard and fast, I do feel that we can learn more about our potential as a Sub/Dom pair by discussing this. Part 6: Reading List and Vendors Editor's note: Check locally with Dreamhaven Books for these titles.
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posted by Night Hawk at 10:04 AM
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