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SM S&M What isssss it?

A way to achieve flying. To soar. To get high without drugs. Intimacy to the highest quotient. Becoming an aware individual, having the consciousness of a guru!

SM is many things…and can be different for everyone, but there are some things that are common.

1. It is a fun thing and just like anything else must be done “right”, this is why I began writing. I watch people play at the dungeon, and am appalled at their lack of knowledge. On both ends! The top is “wrapping” the whip, and the bottom is allowing it.

BOTH (OR ALL) PARTICIPANTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAFETY…NOT JUST THE TOP/DOM

2. To get to that “Zone” we will do extreme things to the so-called untrained eye. The bottom line is: “The forbidden is Hot”. And hot is fun!

3. Everyone has limits. Even if yours are at a different place than mine, a limit is a limit. We are here because we have common ground: “the kink”, and that is what is most important, so we look to give each other the room to be who we are!

4. In a traditional dungeon, there are vibe-watchers, (or dungeon monitors, where some sort of formal identification…such as a certain shirt, or armband) who are available to you if you have concerns or questions.

5. We use safewords in the dungeon. Usually the dungeon safeword is “SAFEWORD” and many players use RED, GREEN, and YELLOW.
a. And please be respectful when playing and use it in the most respectful context you can at that moment. Or at least whisper. Which brings me to…

Top egos are quite fragile… please help us to keep our image by talking to us appropriate when in a formal setting…


Bottoms deserve respect and admiration. When you use your safeword, it is to be respected, don’t play with a top you are uncertain about. That is what the negotiation time is for…it is like a courting time to ascertain who you are dealing with. It is definitely a trust issue.

AND DO USE YOUR SAFEWORD…..IT IS NOT SEXY OR FUN TO PLAY WITH A BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER THAT SHOWS NO EMOTION AND OVERRIDES THEIR OWN RED FLAGS

6. The longer you are into this community the more clear you will be. In the beginning it all looks like a Christmas tree full of lights. Remember to communicate. Wait till you are in the proper area of the dungeon for this.

In most dungeons there is a socializing area, many times it is the eating area. DO NOT laugh and hangout in the play space, it is disruptive to the people engaged in a scene. And remember:
Everyone’s scene is different…you never know what their relationship is and when the scene starts and ends if you are not involved with the scene yourself!!!

The Dom's Job

Yes, I do think the Top/Dom has a job. Mainly I am looking at what it takes for a 24/7 relationship. Recently I was talking with a Top friend who is looking for a relationship and in the process of sorting out what she will and won’t do.

My Olde Skoole mentality…or my brazenness…or …

The initial meeting time, then the flirt and negotiation time is there for the thing that we SM’ers do best….COMMUNICATION.

This is when the details of who we are and what we are looking for is dealt with. I see it as a dance. It is about attraction of some sort. Setting the stage for the proposed scene and ultimately for a long or short-term contract.

The sub or bottom gets to decide whether I am “THE ONE” that is their job. Mine is to establish the ground rules and ensure the bottom knows who I am and what I am about, what I expect and need, and what it would look like to be with me. To give them a map of who I am sort of like a game plan.

It is also my job to get all of that information from the bottom.

Since I believe everyone is responsible for themselves ultimately, I also believe it is the bottoms job to find out if the situation with me is

1. a turn-on
2. feasible and doable
3. safe and healthy for them

Some of us say that the real scene is the negotiation phase! I do believe that is the only real “equal” time. That is when we can step out of role and look at what the scene, or contract will entail.

After that what we are left with is the SAFEWORD…or when the sub asks for time to talk in the appropriate way. Meaning in the sub/bottom headspace.

And, sometimes it takes a lot to get out of the Headspace of play/scene etc. to be able to re-negotiate.

I believe since we do some “edge” stuff…it is crucial to communicate and be sure we have understood each other…this leads to hot play.

Contract

Soon I will post a copy of a contract I have used!

The Whole Scene......When does a scene start and end?

For me, the scene begins when we start flirting with the idea of getting together. The negotiation on some level is a big flirt. Of course…it is important to treat the negotiation with much respect…and also to allow the energy to flow so as to create “heat”, cause baby…if I am not getting turned on…why would I do you?

I do think it is all participating parties responsibility to create the “energy”. Just cause you are into S/m or female does not mean I want to play with you. Oh, and by the way I am not averse to having a scene with guys. On occasion I have been known to play with a guy or two. These men have special qualities that I cherish in a bottom and incline me to want to have them. But, don’t think I am “into” guys. Oh and that brings me to a very important topic, which I will post as a separate blog: Play with Whom?

The priority for me is about the heat. That means I must be attracted to something. Is it that you are so submissive it pulls on me? Is it that you enjoy pain so much I get turned on at the thought of spending that time with you?
Just being female or cute is not enough. Many times skill level will be a turn on.

Newbies

I had a lover once who got really bent out of shape when she asked me:

“You don’t want to do exploratory S/m with me” and I said, “NO”. I do believe the stuff you do in the bedroom is a different kind of play. Possibly a little lighter would be a way to express it. It is usually an enhancement to sexual erotica. Making your sex time hotter.

S/m to me is not like that. It is a “thing” in itself. It is a way of thinking and living for me. Sex then becomes a tool of domination. This is a turn-on for me!

On the other hand…I do say it is important to gravitate toward people with several (3+) years of experience playing to really get a benefit. I know you may not be attracted to that person and thus had not considered them…but look at the energy and the feelings they create. Go to a play party and see what happens there, and look at those people who are doing what you want to do.
Approach someone who is creating the kind of thing you are fantasizing about, rather than trying to teach your current squeeze how to do it. It may not be a part of who they are right now! And, you will have much more fun with the seasoned player!!!

Play with Who?

In my life I have always been on the edge of every edge. Only here in the S/m community have I ever felt safe and respected. I cherish this community for allowing me to be myself whatever that happens to be at the moment.

At the moment you say…yes at the moment. For we are beings in transition at all times, to stop is to be stagnant is to be like a puddle of muck or quicksand. NONONO. I say, we are always learning and changing. And I think it important to experiment and grow to find our place in this world.

S/m has allowed me to find myself and be the most I can be in all areas of my life. People in this community are very “aware”…that alone is a turn-on to me!

S/m relationships are so different. It is not about the person…it is about what we are doing. I suppose that is the beauty of our community. It is not focused on the people it is about what we do. That leaves us free to be ourselves!!! To be anything and anyone we want to be. We can live out any fantasy we agree to. If everyone involved is agreed and wants to do the scene…then negotiation really begins.
And…my fellow dykes…a fantasy to beat a man can be realized and the guy will enjoy it too!!! There is a lot of fun to be had. I will not limit myself from having fun.

for now

go to www.nighthawkspirit.blogspot.com

The opinions here are mine, they are opinions and if you disagree that is ok. If you want to comment please do, if you can’t handle it, go away!